Picture the scene: It’s 7 a.m., and you’re already running late. You’ve got to bake the perfect birthday cake for your child’s party and somehow still make it to work, attend a school meeting and squeeze in a quick shop for tonight’s dinner. Oh… and don’t forget the friend who needs a favour and your in-laws who just popped by. Your phone keeps pinging and of course, you’ve said “yes” to every request because you’re trying to be the perfect mother, employee, wife and daughter all at once. Sound familiar?
This endless cycle of doing and saying “yes” to everything might seem like the only way to keep things under control (and avoid the dreaded guilt), but it often leaves you feeling exhausted, burnt out and more disconnected from yourself than ever. Welcome to the life of a people-pleaser.
Why Are We Wired This Way?
To understand why people-pleasing is so hard to shake, we need to go back in time. Way back—like, tribal-living, hunter-gatherer days. Our ancestors relied on their social groups for survival. Being accepted by the tribe meant food, shelter and protection. Social rejection? That wasn’t just uncomfortable; it could be deadly.
Fast forward to today and while we no longer need a tribe for physical survival, our brains haven’t quite caught up. The part of the brain responsible for detecting threats—our amygdala—still sees social rejection as dangerous. When we feel that someone might disapprove of us, our brain activates a stress response, triggering that fight-or-flight feeling. So, in an effort to avoid rejection or criticism, we often default to people-pleasing.
In essence, we’re wired to avoid social rejection because, at one time, it was a matter of life or death (MacDonald & Leary, 2005). But here’s the thing: in today’s world, constantly putting everyone else first isn’t going to help you survive—it’s more likely to lead to burnout, stress, and a diminished sense of self.
What Does People-Pleasing Have to Do with Low Self-Esteem?
People-pleasers often struggle with low self-esteem, which makes them think their value comes from what they do for others—not who they are. Anxiety tends to creep in here, too, because saying “no” can feel like you are going to disappoint everyone.
Research shows that low self-esteem is linked to a range of emotional challenges, including anxiety and depression (Orth & Robins, 2013). People-pleasers often tie their self-worth to external validation, meaning their sense of value comes from how much they can help others or avoid conflict. It’s a strategy rooted in a fear of rejection or criticism, but it’s not sustainable long-term.
We’re taught from a young age that being kind means putting others first. But somewhere along the line, that lesson gets warped into “I must make everyone happy or I’m a bad person.” Spoiler alert: You’re not. But shame, that nasty voice in our heads, loves to tell us otherwise.
The Science of Shame and the Inner Critic
Speaking of nasty voices, let’s talk about the inner critic—that relentless, judgmental narrator in our minds that insists we’re not good enough. This critic tends to get louder the more we avoid things like setting boundaries or prioritising self-care.
Neuroscience research shows that the brain’s threat-detection system is involved when we experience shame. When we feel ashamed, it activates the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for our fight-or-flight response. In other words, shame feels like an emotional threat and our brains react accordingly, making us want to avoid discomfort at all costs (Gilbert & Irons, 2009).
The problem is, our brains also love quick relief from that discomfort. Avoiding setting boundaries or saying “no” might feel better in the moment, but it reinforces the idea that we’re not worthy of standing up for ourselves. This avoidance cycle is also tied to anxiety—avoiding the discomfort of confrontation leads to short-term relief, but it strengthens long-term fears and reinforces the belief that “I can’t handle this” (Borkovec, Alcaine, & Behar, 2004).
Luckily, researchers like Brené Brown and Kristin Neff have done amazing work on shame and self-compassion that shows us there’s another way. By practicing self-compassion and challenging our inner critic, we can retrain our brains to stop associating self-worth with people-pleasing. Neff’s research has found that self-compassion reduces feelings of anxiety and shame and actually strengthens emotional resilience (Neff, 2011).
How to Break the Cycle: Practical Tips for Rewiring Your Brain
1. Mind Your (Negative) Self-Talk
When that inner critic starts whispering, “You’re not good enough,” pause. Ask yourself, “What evidence do I actually have for this thought?” Spoiler: There usually isn’t any. This is cognitive restructuring in action—shifting the narrative in your mind by questioning unhelpful thoughts. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) research supports that identifying and challenging these distorted thoughts can significantly improve mental well-being (Beck, 2011).
2. Nurture Your Inner Compassionate Voice
Instead of letting that critic run the show, try being kinder to yourself. Imagine how you’d talk to a friend who’s struggling. Now, use that same tone with yourself. “Hey, it’s okay if you take a break. You’re doing your best!” Neff’s research on self-compassion has shown that treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer others reduces stress and increases overall emotional well-being (Neff, 2011).
3. Boundaries: The Ultimate Act of Compassion
Here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t selfish. In fact, the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries. Glennon Doyle’s Untamed talks about reclaiming our power and understanding that saying “no” doesn’t make us bad—it makes us clear.
Picture this: you’ve agreed to do yet another thing for someone else. You’re exhausted, burnt out, and resentful. But what if, instead of automatically saying “yes,” you paused and asked yourself, “Do I really want to do this? Or am I doing it out of obligation?” You’re allowed to say “no,” and here’s a wild idea—you don’t even have to give a reason!
4. Schedule ‘Me Time’—And Stick To It
Take a look at your diary. Is there anything in there for you? No? Time to change that. Whether it’s a quiet coffee break, a walk, or a hobby you love, schedule time that’s just for you. Even a small act of self-care sends a message to your brain that you matter. The more evidence your brain gathers, the more it starts to believe it. Neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to reorganise itself, means that these small, positive actions help retrain your brain to focus on your self-worth (Doidge, 2007).
Why Boundaries Build Self-Worth
Our brains are smart—they build self-worth based on what we do, not just what we think. The more you practice saying “no,” setting boundaries and taking care of yourself, the more you teach your brain that you’re worth it. Each action is a little piece of evidence in favour of your own self-worth. This concept is supported by behavioural activation theory, which shows that actions influence emotions and self-perception (Dimidjian et al., 2011).
Wrapping It Up: Reclaiming Your Time, Energy and Self-Worth
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely possible. Start small: pause before saying “yes,” schedule a little “me time,” and practice treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. Over time, you’ll start to feel more in control, less burnt out and—dare I say it—more compassionate toward yourself.
So, the next time your inner critic pipes up, remind it: the most compassionate thing you can do is to take care of yourself first. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
References:
Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy of depression. Guilford Press.
Borkovec, T. D., Alcaine, O., & Behar, E. (2004). Avoidance theory of worry and generalized anxiety disorder. In R. G. Heimberg, C. L. Turk, & D. S. Mennin (Eds.), Generalized anxiety disorder: Advances in research and practice (pp. 77–108). Guilford Press.
Dimidjian, S., Barrera, M. Jr., Martell, C., et al. (2011). The origins and current status of behavioral activation treatments. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 7, 1–38.
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. Viking.
Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2009). Shame, self-criticism, and self-compassion in adolescence. In N. B. Allen & L. B. Sheeber (Eds.), Adolescent emotional development and the emergence of depressive disorders (pp. 195-214). Cambridge University Press.
MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131(2), 202–223.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins
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